Spam with eggs, spam and spam

By crikey we're getting a lot of spam at the moment. And it's dumb spam. It's not virus carrying spam, it's not click here and give us your bank account details spam, it's not even that rich bloke from Nigeria. It's garbled. Here's an excerpt from a spam I got from some fella named Bod Sanchez:

showcase the defile to in on government, it as channel surgically in neat obsolescence, biblical!!! perishable, as agonized sailing, fogbound

Dammit, at least spam me with something decent! In English! At least try and trick me into something. Be malicious or.. or.. or.. something!

I get lots of spam calls in the studio too. People that ring up and don't say anything, or ring up hang up calls. There is absolutely no point to it.

There are some people that do it to get the phone number in the redial so they can win competitions faster but sitting there with your finger on mute listening to me say, "Hello? Hello?! HELLO! Are you there? Hellooooooooo!!" just makes no sense to me.

Like with the spam, say something! Like, "You're a homo." "Classic Hits sucks, The Rock is better." Try putting on a silly accent, make me laugh if you're going to be annoying, at least I can put you on air and take the piss out of you.

Trolley Dollies

At the stroke of midnight tonight, Air New Zealand staff will hang up their 1993 vintage Pacific Wave uniforms and step into their new Zambesi designed replacements.

The changeover follows the clock around the world. Crew on 13 international flights in the air at the time of the changeover will reappear after their rest breaks in their new uniforms.

I would have thought they could wear all the overalls of the engineers they’re giving the ass to. Would have saved even more money!

And the nominees are...

It’s awards season here in radio, and we at Classic Hits are up for one or two. When you're nominated you celebrate, when you're not you say, "Ah the awards process is all wrong, f*cking awards."

You can understand that even though I'm a little disappointed not to be nominated for best non breakfast alongside Murray, I'm immensely proud of the people I work with that have been.

Anyhoo, come awards night, everyone gets absolutely slaughtered at Sky City together!

Best Music Breakfast Host or Hosts – Metropolitan
Andrew, Jacque & Justin’s Classic Breakfast – Classic Hits Auckland

Best Music Breakfast Host or Hosts - Regional
Kent & Bundy’s Classic Breakfast – Classic Hits Nelson
Boggy & the Brekkie Crew – Classic Hits Southland

Best On-Air Team or Individual Air Personality - Provincial
Mark Dallas, Lana Searle, Kerryn Benefield Classic Hits Oamaru
Luke Valentines House of Fun – Classic Hits Gisborne

Best Non-Breakfast Host or Hosts - Metropolitan
Murray Lindsay – Classic Hits

Programmer of the year
Dallas Gurney – Classic Hits Auckland

Station of the year - Metropolitan
Classic Hits Auckland

Best Station Imaging
Classic Hits Imaging – Phil Yule, The Voice Box

Talented buggers eh! To see a full list which shows, shock horror - OTHER stations as well. Go HERE.

And coming up after the news..

Every night at 6.55pm, Bunty, our afternoon host asks me what’s coming up in my show, sometimes I list off a bunch of stuff that we’re doing, sometimes we’ll end up on some weird tangent.

I prefer the weirdness.

Say you’re at home with the family…
“Dad, what are we doing tonight?”

“Well son, after the news we’re having dinner, then we’re going to do the dishes and I’m going to make sure you’ve done your homework. You can watch the Simpsons for half an hour then it’s bedtime because your mother and I want to watch CSI. News and sport is next.”

It’s good information to have sure, but does it really excite you to stay?

“Coming up in the show I’m going to talk about that story in the news and say something funny on the end if it.” Or, “Tonight I’m going to talk about my mum dying 20 years ago and hopefully bring a tear to you eye.” Or, “If you were a fan of the Chills in the mid 80s then you’re going to love the song we play in 15 minutes.”

You have your life to get on with and even if I tell you your favourite Duran Duran song is on after the news, will you stick round? I don't know. Will I know if you turn the radio off? No.

So all I can do is try and entertain you now. At this one moment. That’s it. Oh, and the Secret Sound is coming up shortly.

Being sick is arse

I’m currently sucking on a VocalZone. A little black lolly that both looks and tastes like a bit of sheep shit. Tom Jones uses these, as does the guy from Motley Crue.

I've never done anything to protect my voice. I've never considered that it was anything special but there are people that do. Their voice is their living and while mine is too I'm hardly going to be the huge balled guy saying that Lost is coming up next on TV2.

It's all in the breathing apparently. My cousin is an Army Sergeant and she's never lost her voice even though she yells at people on parade grounds regularly. My wife has a lovely set of pipes and you can expect to hear her voicing ads all over the TV at some stage.

So on Sunday I started losing my voice, then the lethargy sets in and the next thing you know I’m demanding lemon drinks from the couch. Tuesday and Wednesday off work, back today and the boss says as he’s walking out the door, “What kind of crap radio announcer loses his voice anyway?” I biffed a magazine at him.

It’s just a cold though. Although, have you noticed how people are awful quick to claim the flu when they get a bit of snot action?

Must.Have.Worse.Symptoms.Than.Next.Person. It's a cold for God's sake!

Hack cough hack spit. Softy.

How did we do this before the internet?

Got an email from a fellow blogger the other day. Richard Phelps - nice fella, used to work with my wife and is an audio engineer, you’ll see his name down there in the plugs for other blogs along with an Emmy Award winning writer, a tutor and a yoga teacher.

Drop me an
email if you want me to link to your Blog / website by the way. The more names I have down the right hand side surely makes this bag of words appear more interesting.

Anyway, Richard knows a thing or two about computers and he was encouraging me to get Google Talk. (This is not an ad by the way...)

“Google talk, a downloadable Windows application that lets you send instant messages to your friends and make free phone calls over an internet connection.”

So I guess it’s like MSN and Skype.

- For MSN you need a address.
- I need a address for one of those yahoogroup things I'm on.
- Here at work I’ve got a address and at home I have an xtramail address.

Then there's blogger, Trade Me, Internet banking, this NexGen on air computer we use and God knows what else.

Remember when we had 4 and 5 digit telephone numbers and that was it?

Today Miss, I learnt that..

It's very hard to write a blog and not be negative. Yeah, write down all the stuff that annoys me and feel better about it! That's not what I'm about. I started this to give you a positive insight into me and my show.

However! To the people who are stressed about losing money over U2 tickets....

Shut the hell up!

Air New Zealand and Qantas are both waiving fees for rebooking, Origin will probably do the same. If you're scared you'll lose money on tickets bought on Trade Me then tough! Place bad feedback or something.

If the reports about The Edge's daughter having Leukemia are true, everyone can go jump. Performing in a band is his job and if his daughter is sick then screw work boss! That's what a Dad does. My wife is only 27 weeks pregnant with our first and even I know that.

If Anna goes into labour at any time or has any issues that have us worried enough to take her to hospital while I'm on air, I'm putting the computer on auto mode and I'm outta here - I'll ring the boss on the way and he can send in a part timer if he wants.

Family comes first. The Hoff comes second. Work comes somewhere after that.

I cannot stand James Blunt

As a radio announcer, you’re meant to be complimentary to all the songs and artists you play. Unfortunately, every now and then one comes along that gets so overplayed you have to change stations.

My wife says him and his whinging ‘You broke my heart you horrible woman’ lyrics are responsible for the downfall of the manly man and I’m with her 100%. We’ve all been so desperately in love that we’ve scared a potential mate off but he’s wallowing in it!

So hollow.. I’m so hollow.. Get a grip you whiney little shit.

We’ve been talking about this in the show tonight and I’ve had a few people ringing saying that Goodbye my Lover is the song they used for their recently departed family members.

My thoughts are with you if you’ve lost someone recently and I don’t mean to stomp all over your feelings – one thing you’ll learn about me is that I’m pretty ambivalent about this whole death thing cos I’ve seen a reasonable amount of it close hand.

As another caller said, “Play that at my funeral and I’ll haunt you forever!”

Look, as per my previous post on emotional response from the listener I really should pull my head in. Perhaps James Blunt – Goodbye My Lover will become an iconic Butterfly Kisses or a DJ Sammy with the little girl or a Dance with my Father or a Truly Madly Deeply.

Til then I'm turning the volume down in the studio while he's on and trusting the programmers to do the right thing with the music as they trust me to on air.

What would you do with $700 million?

We spend more time on Trade Me than reading people’s blogs. Fair call? Oh, if you’re overseas, Trade Me is our version of Ebay.

Sam Morgan the kiwi legend has just sold Trade Me for 700 million dollars. (No wonder he's smiling, that's the face of a very rich man!) Let’s put that amount into perspective. When we were sold in 1996, we were something like 60 odd radio stations nationwide and they got only $89 million dollars for us.

So, $700 million is a crapload of money! We should be just as proud of him for building up such an amazing business than we are of any Oscar success. Watch out for him in next year’s rich list. Oh, at the time of writing this, the dust for sale on Trade Me is up to $23 dollars.

Meanwhile, the discussion on who was the greatest ever New Zealander came up at the cricket on Saturday and everyone agreed hands down that it was Sir Edmund Hillary. Blow me down if he wasn’t in the box next to us, so fuelled by Heineken, 4 staff members from this radio station got out their $5 dollar notes and got him to sign them for us. He was very obliging.

Sir Richard Hadlee was also there. He thought we were complete pratts.

I don't blame the other driver

We nearly had a car crash today.

In the woman's defense, she who cut in front of us, she thought I was turning left which gave her the right of way but I was actually indicating to change lanes right by her left turn so I can understand her confusion. Everyone’s fine – we didn’t hit the woman (Our Pajero vs her Honda City would make World’s Worst Car Crashes 11 no worries.) but Anna’s still sore in the tummy from the seatbelt.

“Take note of baby's movement and have an easy weekend.” says Dr Obstetrician. Tell you what, nearly having an crash with your pregnant wife in the car sure scares the crap out of a fella. My wife is my life. As she should be.

She also likes Hollywood gossip so here goes, David Faustino, who played Bud on "Married with Children" turns 32 today.

Today would also have been Alexander Graham Bells birthday – he was born back in 1847, and James Doohan’s (aka Scotty on "Star Trek") 86th birthday.

But they’re both dead.

Gary goes down

If anyone needs counseling over Linda Clark leaving National Radio you’re welcome to get in touch. I can understand that this leaves a huge hole in the lives of middle New Zealand. My Mother in Law reckons she might even listen to my show now that nothing is left for her on our National Broadcaster. I won’t hold my breath.

At work today we were gripped by the Gary Glitter verdict. Couldn’t understand what the hell they were saying – neither could he, he had the same problems as Schappelle Corby – 200 people yapping in a language he didn’t understand while we listened to the appalling interpreter on Sky News. He didn’t cry like Schappelle though. No-one could cry like Schappelle.

How the mighty fall said one of our staff members - come on, it’s Gary Glitter! It’s not someone really famous like James Blunt.

Anyway, Gazza got 3 years – a long way from the firing squad. Although Justice Rodney Hansen here in NZ would have probably given him a lollipop and a smack on the hand.


The above comment about the good judge is completely untrue.

Arse covered? Good.

I was naughty

I feel really bad. I filled out my census form at the kitchen table this morning instead of next Tuesday evening. What’s worse is that next Tuesday evening I'll be at work so essentially, I haven't followed the instructions properly. I did write the at work address, at home on the kitchen table so it's correct for where I'll be - I'm not lying. I'm just scared that I'll get in trouble for filling out the form early.

Will they not count my results?
Will I still be able to get into the new super scheme?
Will I be allowed to vote next election?
Am I going to hell?

DID YOU KNOW: Until 154 BC, today - March 1st - was New Year's Day, according to the Roman calendar. So if you saw some hung-over Romans running around today, well, that explains it.

That’s a gag we get from our Prep Service. It’s not bad. We log into an American website every day which gives us celebrity news, wacky stories out of Belgium, Today in History and other stuff.

27 pages of show ideas and that’s the only bit I’m using in my show tonight.

See, talking on the radio is not always about having the quick cheesy joke then playing the ads, sometimes we do this, in fact, a lot of the time we do this. The stuff that works though is the relatable stuff.

Stuff that gets an emotional response from you the listener.

Take a comedian. When they’re doing their routine, we're slapping our knees and laughing because we totally relate to what they've said.

So mostly, I’m trying to relate to you. Sometimes I try to be funny although I ain’t no comedian. So I attempt to be entertaining, if I can’t do that it’s time to shut the hell up and play the song.