Am I the only one who wants gas prices to go up even more?

Motorists were today asked not to take out their frustrations about rising petrol costs on service station forecourt attendants. AA spokesman Mike Noon said he had heard various reports about forecourt attendants being verbally abused.

First up, let's not call them forecourt attendants. The only way you’ll get them out from behind the eftpos these days is by getting your gas bottle filled. Although, that's another post altogether.

I want you to try something.

It’s very easy to stand by looking at the two for one specials or the floor when the Holden Executive driving fat bastard in front of you is laying into Pradeep the pump man right? So I’m asking you to stick up for him. Try the line, "Steady on mate." or, "It’s not his fault." "Back down buddy, don’t be a dick." Or even, "Oi, shut the hell up, leave him alone, pay and be on your way."

It's easy to be frustrated, so take it out on the angry person. You'll be surprised at how good you feel about it.

On that, I got this email from a Christchurch listener:

Are you going to give the fuel companies any stick in your show tonight?

No I’m not. As tough as it is on the personal pocket at the mo, maybe this is good for us.

More than anything, I want to take the bus to and from work so I can sell one of our cars, save my family $1500 dollars a year and put 5 grand in the bank. Unfortunately buses don’t go late enough for me yet – but they will, til then it's the rainforest killing 4X4 for me.

High prices that force us out of our cars, and onto public transport or our pushbikes will hopefully slow down the way we’re screwing up our planet. It'll encourage us to find an alternative fuel and a more sustainable way to get round.

It's forcing us to evolve as a species. I’m no filthy hemp wearing greenie by any means but the sooner we do, the better!

THAT text message going round

How much time must pass before something truly horrific can have the piss taken out of it?

The Auckland CBD / Suitcase / Asian Apartment joke has been travelling furiously by text for a week or so now and I can still only quickly peep at it before clearing the screen in case someone who may take offence does.

It's funny but I still feel bad for laughing.. F
unny in a Diana way. A Pope way. The way way we laugh at death as a way of dealing with it.

I've always been inappropriate. My favourite death joke is when someone says something about their mum and I say something about mine not doing whatever their mum does and they say why not and I say "Cos she's dead."

It's ok, she's been gone 20 years. I'm used to it.
People who analyse other people will say I do that because I've got unresolved issues or low self esteem. Whatever. Go pay off your student loan before commenting on my mental state.

One of the reasons I started this blog because there isn't a censor. Not that I want to set the world on fire with witty rhetoric, or flame people I can't stand - I didn't do that well at school, I'm not very politically minded and I'm not a jerk.

I see other people writing great stuff and I think, "I don't necessarily agree but man, I wish I had the balls to write that!" Or people who are really, really funny. Then I see people writing EXACTLY what I had a mind to write myself and I think, "Damn, he beat me to it."

Then I start to wonder how I stack up against others in this whole blog thing. A well respected newsreader who wears pink ties told me to promote it on air, I told him that I didn't want to be a wanker.

In the big wide blogosphere of David Farrar or Cactus Kate, or anyone on their mates list, I'm just a minnow. When I move onto greater things, you can say that you read my blog when I was just learning. If I do something good, let me know, and equally, if I say something stoopid, call me on it will ya?

Oh, All the best this ANZAC Day. Lest we forget.

Ante natal classes - fun!

Horrifyingly politically correct to the point where you want to punch someone but fun, and very educational. We're on the 'natural childbirth' course because we left booking way too late - the legs are much hairier on this course than some others.

They show us videos this Friday, and we haven't done any breathing yet. It's particularly good to de-bunk some of the myths about childbirth.

Meantime, I have full respect for radio breakfast teams. This morning I had to fill in for Andrew, Jacque and Justin's Classic breakfast in Auckland. By myself.

Little old - wait.. young me filling in the job of Auckland's number one breakfast show. Cripes. I have never worked so hard in my life!

I can't wait to get back to my own show on Wednesday so I can relax a bit..

This Saturday night is the New Zealand Radio Awards.
We're up for one or two and it'll be a big night at Sky City. I have a leave pass because I get a free ticket through work and unfortunately, with the baby on the way, we can't really afford the $130 dollars for my wife to come. She'd also just quietly rather stick a cat up her bum than hang round with a bunch of drunk radio people while she's 8 1/2 months pregnant.

I'll more than likely drink far too much red wine and sleep on the couch.

I have a job interview

To see if I'd be an appropriate tutor for a course starting soon. See, I was pretty crap at school, I didn't go to Uni - wait that's a lie - I went to Canterbury University's O week in 1994 but that was just to drink and chase girls. My point is I have no qualifications. Wife says I have a decade and a half of experience and knowledge to impart. She's biased though. I'll let the people doing the interviewing decide that.

Let me try a lesson on you. Imagine you're in a classroom. I'm up the front with the whiteboard. You have a student loan that could wipe out a small African country's national debt and I'm giving an example on using topicality on air:

Part of radio is being topical. No, not the ointment, the news. (class laugh) Talk about the news and put a funny / thought provoking / relatable / likeable / twisted spin on it. Here’s an example of writing a topical monologue for broadcast:

"In the news today, hundreds of cleaners rallied in cities across New Zealand and Australia to demand improved wages and conditions from employers.

It's true that work kitchens across the land are generally filthy and if cleaners didn’t clean no-one would because when we get to work we take on the cleaning abilities of a 9 year old. So more money for the cleaners for sure, hell more money for everyone! Roadworkers! Rubbish men! Teachers! Everyone!

However, cleaners can't complain about substandard conditions - substandard conditions are why we HAVE cleaners! At the end of a workday, there are coffee rings on desks.. dust on computers.. half a pack of exploded noodles spread through the microwave…

Cleaners make bad conditions good and dirty things clean. If it wasn’t dirty in the first place then we wouldn’t NEED cleaners!

Go for more money cleaners, you're worth it! Just remember, the worse the conditions are, the more work there is to do and get paid for."

So what reactions did we get in there class?

Thought provoking - Yup. A good, although simplisticly misguided point made.
Likeable - Yes. Anyone who wants teachers and the rubbish man to get more money is alright by most people.
Relatable - Yes. We've all seen the damage a pack of two minutes noodles can do to the microwave.
Funny? Meh. Moderately.

To be honest I didn't think it was that strong so it got broadcast close to midnight when most people had gone to bed. I had better stuff on earlier.

Did we learn anything? Can I teach? I'm not convinced eh. Let you know how it goes. Happy weekend!

Jesus would have loved Mitre 10

I like Easter Sunday being a holiday and ALL shops being shut. That seems like a pleasant thought to me. All of us spending time with our families. No-one having to do a rostered weekend. but..... there's nothing to do!

Yeah yeah yeah, it's only 3 days a year I know, but after Good Friday and Saturday with the inlaws, all I wanted to do on Sunday was
go to Mitre 10 Mega!

Over the past week I've painted the baby's room, replaced the shower door, bought a heated towel rail, a lamp shade, and chosen colours for the toilet.

My name is Dave and I'm a Mitre 10 Megaholic.

I understand the significance of
Jesus handing in his knife and fork and popping up a couple of days later. Cripes, I even went to Church on Sunday. They told us of the Apostle Thomas, (famous for missing the resurrection altogether - he was probably at Mitre 10 himself looking for Selley's No More Nails...) my point is I'm no heathen. Yet driving round on Sunday looking for something to do was frustrating when all I wanted was a good coffee and to size up the garden sheds. Something you just can't do at the BP - even if they have a Wild Bean Cafe.

Jesus was a carpenter. He'd understand.

Look, full respect to the Lord and all, I'm just looking forward to tomorrow being back to normal, and even though I'm on holiday til Thursday, I'm actually kind of looking forward to getting back to work.

I miss you guys.

Oh, and I need the bank to open. I've got some Trade Me payments going through.

Survey Results are in!

To so many people radio is wallpaper. You only notice it if it's really nice or done really badly. Otherwise it's just there behind the TV. These numbers I'm about to show you though are the only way we can get an idea of the impact of our station and my show make in any market.

Thing is, with radio ratings, you can interpret the results anyway you want and you can look at any age group you want. Every station has its target audience.

So what we're looking at here is, all people over the age of 10 listening to the radio between 7pm and midnight. This is as broad as it gets and shows the change from the previous survey. These are the first results I look at before we go to the pub. We get the breakdowns after the hangover wears off.

Auckland - up 1.8 percent to number 3.

Mon-Fri 7pm-12md

1/2006 2/2005 change
Mai FM88.6 15.3 11.7 3.6
Newstalk ZB 10.5 10.2 0.3
Classic Hits 97.4FM 6.5 4.7 1.8
The Edge 6.3 5.5 0.8
The Rock 5.3 4.5 0.8
ZM 91.0 4.9 3.6 1.3
Flava 96one 4.5 7.0 -2.5
Coast 4.5 5.0 -0.5
Radio Tarana 4.5 2.8 1.7
Radio Live 4.0 2.5 1.5
Radio Hauraki 3.5 2.1 1.4
Viva 98.2FM 3.3 3.8 -0.5
Radio Hauraki 3.5 2.1 1.4
Radio Live 4.0 2.5 1.5
More FM 2.9 2.1 0.8
Radio Sport 2.5 4.3 -1.8
Solid Gold 2.5 2.2 0.3
Radio Pacific/Trackside 1.7 3.4 -1.7
George FM 1.4 n/a n/a
Niu FM 1.3 2.6 -1.3
95bFM 1.1 n/a n/a
Kiwi 0.6 0.3 0.3
Base FM n/a 0.2 n/a

Waikato - down 0.3 to 4th place.

Mon-Fri 7pm-12md

1/2006 2/2005 change
Newstalk ZB 16.4 13.1 3.3
The Edge 16.3 16.6 -0.3
The Rock 15.1 12.5 2.6
Classic Hits 98.6 ZHFM 7.3 7.6 -0.3
Radio Hauraki 6.3 5.9 0.4
ZM 89.8 6.3 8.8 -2.5
The Breeze 6.2 3.1 3.1
Solid Gold 5.8 6.4 -0.6
Waikato's 92 More FM 3.1 1.6 1.5
Radio Pacific/Trackside 3.0 5.2 -2.2
Radio Sport 1.8 4.1 -2.3
The Generator 0.6 n/a n/a
Radio Live 0.6 2.8 -2.2

Wellington - up 0.3 to 8th place.

Mon-Fri 7pm-12md

1/2006 2/2005 change
Newstalk ZB 16.2 17.0 -0.8
The Edge 14.4 8.4 6.0
The Breeze 12.3 13.9 -1.6
ZM 90.9 & 93.5 10.5 9.7 0.8
Radio Sport 6.5 3.7 2.8
The Rock 5.4 5.0 0.4
Radio Hauraki 5.3 2.7 2.6
Classic Hits 90FM 4.8 4.5 0.3
Wellington's More FM 4.1 4.2 -0.1
Radio Live 3.3 4.3 -1.0
Atiawa Toa FM 1.7 n/a n/a
Coast 1.7 3.3 -1.6
Solid Gold 1.6 1.9 -0.3
Kiwi 0.7 0.6 0.1
Radio Pacific/Trackside 0.2 3.7 -3.5
Niu FM n/a 3.0 n/a

Christchurch - up 0.3 to 7th place.

Mon-Fri 7pm-12md

1/2006 2/2005 change
Newstalk ZB 17.9 19.3 -1.4
The Edge 15.8 16.4 -0.6
The Rock 12.3 11.2 1.1
Easy Listening Breeze 8.6 5.3 3.3
ZM 91.3 7.2 5.0 2.2
Classic Hits 97.7FM 4.2 3.9 0.3
Coast 4.0 3.4 0.6
Radio Live 3.8 4.6 -0.8
Radio Sport 3.7 5.2 -1.5
Solid Gold 3.5 7.9 -4.4
92 More FM 2.9 4.7 -1.8
Radio Pacific/Trackside 2.8 1.1 1.7
Radio Hauraki 1.2 2.8 -1.6
Kiwi 1.0 0.7 0.3
Niu FM n/a 0.6 n/a

Dunedin - down 1.9 to 6th place.

Mon-Fri 7pm-12md

1/2006 2/2005 change
The Rock 15.0 11.5 3.5
Newstalk ZB 12.6 20.6 -8.0
Radio Dunedin 12.1 13.4 -1.3
The Edge 11.9 16.1 -4.2
ZM 95.8 6.7 4.8 1.9
Classic Hits 89.4FM 6.0 7.9 -1.9
Radio Sport 6.0 4.6 1.4
Radio Live 4.1 2.7 1.4
Solid Gold 3.4 2.7 0.7
More FM 3.3 2.7 0.6
Coast 2.9 1.5 1.4
Radio Hauraki 2.4 3.2 -0.8
The Breeze 1.9 1.8 0.1
Radio Pacific/Trackside 1.4 1.2 0.2

So I've gone up in Auckland, held reasonably firm in Wellington, Christchurch and Waikato and gone down in Dunedin. It's a good result!

When we get into the numbers a little more intensely is when we make decisions what we do to continue to hold and grow our share of the pie for the next round.

Meantime, I'm on holiday for a few days. Happy Easter!

Bit of a change round this week

I’m not doing my show. I’m doing Bunty’s afternoon show while he’s away on leave. It’s an interesting bunch of feelings filling in for someone else.

It’s an exciting chance to stretch my legs in someone else’s show. To move out of the comfort zone of my own show that I can do with my eyes shut and do something a little different.

In saying that though, I’m a caretaker only. I can’t come in and launch a whole new bunch of features because it’s not my show and it confuses the listeners when the regular host gets back.

It’s hard letting go of my show! I have a way I like things done and naturally, the guy filling in does things slightly differently. I’m lucky cos the guy who is filling in for me is one of the most experienced guys in the building. Does Bunty think of me as a good fill in for him? He used to be my boss 12 years ago – I’m not the boy anymore but I think in any temporary promotion you really want to nail it well.

Will I screw up the no repeat workday and cost us $1000?

What other jocks on other radio stations am I up against? I know who my opposition are at night time and I’m comfortable with my place among them. I know their strengths and weaknesses but in afternoons, it’s a whole new game.

Ha! Reading that back I sound like a big girly blouse! Harden up Smart. it's going to be a fun week!

Mostly, I’m very excited about having some evenings with my wife. We can have dinner together, watch House MD and go to bed at the same time!

liar liar bus on fire

Stagecoach suffered its Auckland fleet's fifth bus fire in eight months today. Everyone is ok so we can take the piss.. "The driver and TWO passengers were unharmed." See, people DO use public transport in Auckland!

What with fires, angry bus drivers and funny farty sounds when buses take off at the lights, I'm surprised more people aren't queueing up at the depot.

That Canterbury pilot who faked insurance claims on an aircraft he said he "ditched" in the sea was today sentenced to 18 months' imprisonment.

I can just imagine his first conversation with his new cellmate..

CRIM: "Bro, what you in for?"

NEW GUY: "Um, I went for a swim in my clothes and said I crashed a plane into the sea but I didn’t."

Dick! Prison must be full of stupid people, no wonder no-one wants prisons near their houses. Crims bring down the median intelligence level in the area and that doesn't do anything for your resale value. No-one wants a neighbour who never brings their wheely bin in so why on earth would anyone want to live next to a failed insurance fraudster?

Gene Pitney, dead at 65. He handed in his knife and fork while on tour in Cardiff. Lucky really that he wasn't coming here. Everyone would have chucked their toys about the concert being cancelled. Never mind the fact that he’d died, people would be wondering if they would get their scalped ticket money back.

K oidfjg sv dgb sdv edgv

Well e dbbf gggggg w oj dfhg b rghe gb.

Sorry. Shouldn’t type in my Burqa. Can't see shit in here.. Lucky I'm not driving!

Here we go, from one of those emails going round at the moment. I am a boy and I love creative people with photoshop...

Survey is over again

Radio Surveys are pretty easy to spot, all the stations start promoting the bejesus out of themselves with giveaways, billboards, TV ads and wacky promotions.

Right now the Research company is furiously collating the figures and
next Thursday April 13, we'll get the results for stations in Auckland, Hamilton, Wellington, Christchurch and Dunedin. Next time, around September they do all markets in NZ.

Between now and results day, there is much pacing and nervousness. Particularly on the day. Im usually so worked up my wife sends me out of the house. Our careers hang on these numbers. Too many bad results and it could be theWere not renewing your contract. speech or sweeping programming changes. Good results mean good revenues, more budget to do more cool things and payrises.

No-one likes going down in the polls, but
someone has to. Different markets have different numbers too, while we're number one music currently in Auckland and Waikato, we're not number one in Wellington or Christchurch. The changes are often very small too, however 0.1% can be the difference between number 1 and number 2. If its Kiwi FM, 0.1% is like their whole audience!

Sorry guys. Had to get that dig in.

So next Thursday at midday we get the results. We then either console ourselves by saying it was arogue book or we smile quietly and call ita hold business as usual or we shout, whoop and holler.

Ill post the results here, or if Im really hungover from the post survey party, Ill just post a link to the results on someone elses page, have a Panadol and go back to bed. Either way, wish us luck.

Learning baby talk

I spent some time playing with a baby this weekend, he was 10 weeks old. We’ve got 10 weeks to go. That’s us, in 20 weeks. Jesus..

So I’m cruising round holding this little guy on my shoulder, singing the national anthem to him in Maori. Why? Because it was written on the fridge ok.


1: How to get the baby holding jiggle. That jiggle is harder than it looks! Does it come from the knees or the hips or the waist? Do you get a swivel with the jiggle?

2: How to sing silly songs for the baby, I need a tune for, “Let’s go over here and look at the leaf and there goes the dog, do you see the dog which sounds like frog...”

Forgive me now if I start practising baby songs on air.

Meanwhile in the news

New Zealand workers may one day be embedded with microchips if employers here follow some overseas employers, a University of Otago law professor has claimed.

What a ridiculous thing to say!

We’re a country of farmers who refuse to even get their dogs done! We’ve still got people who won’t fill out a census form! No-one has ever successfully and efficiently got an entire church full of wedding guests to pose for a photograph in under 10 minutes!

We’re far too paranoid a mob to ever let microchipping happen.
The legal action between fashion designers Trelise and Tamsin Cooper has been postponed. Trelise Cooper had been trying to block Tamsin Cooper registering "Tamsin Cooper" as a trademark, saying the brands were too similar and appealed to similar markets.

Here in this radio show, we’re supporting Tamsin, we think Trelise is being a bitter old hag.
I had a run in with the odd name change as a kid, it’s now back to my family name after a series of asshole stepfathers. Let me tell you from experience, if anyone ever tells you that you can’t use your own name, tell THEM to pull their head in.

Good luck to you Tamsin. Hope it goes your way.